Today’s blog is going to be on a more personal level and how I have been overcoming my fear of open spaces with my therapist, to take back my ‘moment of essence’.  I have always loved nature, may that be a walk on a beach, following a stream, searching for waterfalls or exploring a woodland.  This used to be my time where you would find me sketching, reading or writing and enjoying the solitude.

Since COVID however, I have had panic attacks going to my favourite spaces on my own.  Let’s go back a bit on how this came about:  I have had social anxiety since I was a child.  Busy spaces such as shopping centres, attractions or as the years went on, night clubs and gyms would cause me severe anxiety.  My inner peace needed the outside spaces where no one or only very few people were around,  these became my safe spaces where I could relax and just be.

Bring on COVID and we were told we could only be in open spaces and it felt like my safe space had been invaded.  Then panic episodes and dissociation started to happen when out and I could no longer enjoy these safe spaces.  Since then it has felt like something has been taken away from me.  I felt the loss of this therapeutic enjoyment keenly.

Working with a therapist weekly, over the last few months, has seen a break through.  I managed to walk through one of my favourite woodlands not needing my ‘tools’ to keep me from panicking and just let the path guide me.  I took in all my surroundings and saw the beginnings of growth and the greenery of late spring like the green velvety moss, everywhere.  It was energising, freeing and wonderful to be outside again enjoying the fresh air and wild spaces.  It was accomplished with my therapist with me, and we walked for 45 minutes of feeling totally free which I haven’t felt in five years.  Thinking about my ‘Moments of Essence’ I managed to use the one ‘tool’ I had taken with me:  my phone.  I captured, in fragments, my journey throughout my walk and plan to take this further and use my sketchbook in the future. 

For now, it’s one step at a time and my next step is to push myself forward by walking a small route on my own, with my therapist nearby should I need help to continue my journey.  Eventually I want to be able to walk again, confidently, on my own, wherever the path takes me, so join me on my travels when I am able to do this, and we will share these mindfulness journeys together.  Keep an eye on my blogs and catch up with my progress, and how nature really can help with your mental health and mindfulness.  In the meantime I’m going to do my best to take back my favourite ‘Moments of Essence’!