THE CARDINAL SIN OF NOT COPING

You may have heard it said that sorry seems to be the hardest word, but in the tough results-driven world of business and responsibility that we live, the hardest statement is probably I’M NOT COPING. It seems like the last thing anyone wants to hear. It is an admission of failure, of not being good enough, of wasting yours and everyone else’s time, and most painfully of worthlessness. Often we dare not admit it even to ourselves.

Unfortunately, if you are genuinely not coping, you are left between a rock and a hard place. Many people have absolutely no idea who to go to. They don’t want to share with family friends and colleagues, in case the word gets out, and they don’t want to take a chance on a stranger. Often what happens is that people struggle on, hoping that the problem goes away. It doesn’t, they actually cope increasingly less until in the end they break down.

I have seen this phenomenon repeat itself often, particularly in my experience of being a supply teacher. I had no problem getting long-term supply work relieving teachers who were on long-term sick leave because of stress. I have seen some teachers have their health ruined beyond repair by their job.

But teaching is a particularly bad example of something that goes on in all walks of life. I know because I have been there. On more than one occasion in my life I have been utterly bereft of the ability to cope and had to be helped. Much later, this personal experience has been invaluable as a therapist, as every week I see desperate people from all walks of life who have turned to me as a last resort. It takes a lot for someone to admit their problem because it is so frowned on, or apparently frowned on.

The reality is often that other people really do understand, and even where they don’t, it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you, it’s because what’s being asked of you really is genuinely tough – you are not imagining it! Unfortunately you often find yourself in a culture where it’s all about your performance and how you deal with the problem, and not much account is taken of how hard your situation is.

You are not alone, there plenty of others out there not coping like you, but like you they’re all suffering in silence on their own. There is no “Society of Non-Copers” you can go to. So what do you do? The answer is not easy but it is very clear – you need to go to someone somewhere and say that dreaded phrase, the one you have known for so long but hid from even yourself for so long – I’m not coping. Many such people have ended up at my door and many more are welcome. I don’t tell anyone and no one need even know you’ve been. And everyone who has walked in to my consulting room defeated with head low has walked out with head high after a few sessions with me.

But please, for your own sake and particular if your life affects others like a partner or your children, don’t wait for it to go away. There is no way out, only a way through. Go to someone, take the plunge and say that terrible phrase. Rather than the beginning of the end, it’s often where life turns a corner. It’s a choice between risk and a certain breakdown. There is not really any choice is there. If you know you are not coping, don’t wait a moment longer. It’s time to reach out.